Indian Society

In Indian society as in many others, man has muscled himself to the top over the less physically strong female. In Primitive culture might is right and we can only hope our society becomes more sophisticated and civilised so women can get a fair go. It looks like a long wait though, with men playing"who has got the biggest dick" and jostling to be head of the pecking order"

Hearing Music - Live or Recorded

Listening to music depends a lot on the environment in which you experience it. The ambiance and environment of a live concert in an auditorium differs greatly from the experience you may have in the close comforts of your home. The warmth of an intimate live concert in a living room setting does not compare with the music rendered with digital perfection through an expensive stereo system. It also depends on the type of music. Hearing music from India in concert is indescribable while hearing American rap is not as amazing. Nevertheless, different folks have different strokes.

Quite often we talk about the difference between the enjoyment of listening to a concert and later on listening to its audio or video recording. We realize that the experience is not the same. Apparently, there is something missing in the recording that was there in the concert.

Recordings are excellent documentations and the invention of these devices and their advancements can be considered a technological boon to the modern civilization. But, it hasn't yet come up to the level of capturing the whole experience of a live concert. Let me ascertain at this point that we are not talking about music which we have always heard on recording. This is about music that was performed live and recorded.

The difference between the two listening experiences may not be exactly as big as between live and dead, but quite close. At every step of advancement in the recording technology we hoped or even boasted that we would be able to capture the original. But, within no time we came to realize how wrong we were. The experience of live music can never really be captured in totality at least with the technology that we have now, be it audio or video.

The simple reason behind this is that while listening to live music, that is music performed in front of us, we perceive it through all our five senses. We listen, not only the music but also the sound of the space part of which is audience response. We see, not only the musicians but also the surrounding atmosphere which includes the space and the people around us. The musical frequencies physically touch us mixed with several other elements floating in the air. We also feel the touch of our neighbors and everything else that contacts our body. We smell it, mixed with the surrounding environment. The existing smell of the space, the fragrance of our neighbors, and smell of the burning incense inevitably become part of our perception. We even taste it. The lingering taste of anything that we had eaten before or that could be in our mouth at the moment also becomes intermingled with the listening experience. That is why sometimes listening to some music after many years we feel nostalgic of the taste, smell and feelings of that time of our lives. It is a mysterious and romantic process and above all a very precious experience of life. We are also much more forgiving while listening to a live concert.

In stead, while listening to an audio recording of the concert we only listen to the music, which can be pretty close to the original. But the other elements of sound in a live concert could be missing and substituted by different sounds. Furthermore, our listening could be more analytical and critical than in a live situation. While watching a video recording of it we can watch only a portion of the whole set up, wherever the camera was focused and listen to the sound that will primarily be that of the music. Everything else will be entirely different, irrespective of good or bad. We have our imagination, which may not always work and lead us in the right direction. But, some good music can take an experienced, sensitive listener to places. Those are exceptions.


My tears ran down your arm as you held me through the night, but you didn't notice.
Each breath you drop into my ear resonates like a black lullaby.
So many words I want to say trapped behind my concrete smile... I lie still as we both inhale. Exhale.
You walked softly but left a trail of blood where you stumped your toe.
You cannot fool the one who has been trained to see you.
You will not slip past the watcher.
Everything I will not let you have lies just beneath my skin where I allowed your sharpness to slice at me.
Exquisite destruction is your gift.
Your dust was in my eyes, but I still see.
You may succeed to drown yourself, but I am waterproof.
Hot breath falls from your evacuated body.
Warm flesh of hollowness disrobes to my discontent.
My tears ran down your arm as you held me through the night, but you didn't notice.



Dirty Flower Girlicious

I've gotten several emails asking if I'm ok and why I suddenly stopped blogging. I haven't been online much. I have this one giant, multi-faceted thought growing in my head and it hasn't matured into expressablity yet. It occupies me daily. So many things have weirded me out this month and I am dealing with stuff and figuring out my life. I have done something that I am not proud of - I betrayed my gut feelings and gave into family pressure to go Buy Tramadol something I didn't want to. Now I've got to plan out an escape for what I've just done to myself.

Other than that, I'm fine. Thanks for the emails. No worries.

Happy New Year!



Dude, whataya doin'?

Maybe I missed my point on that last post. My point was that I did say no. I said no and then the person got mad at me for saying no. I still said no. Then the person pushed me, so I got even more rigid in my "no." I think my exact words were "It is not my responsibility to take care of your sorry ass. I have given you all I can and if it's not good enough for you then you can go fuck yourself. Stop being so fucking clingy. I have to leave now because if I have to look at you for another second then I'm going to punch you in the face. Oooh I so want to hit you right now."
I clinched my fist and took a step towards the person as if I was going to swing. I didn't, but it took a huge amount of self-restraint. I can only take so much bullshit before I snap. And I'm not a violent person.

Then the person got all pissed at me. Perhaps I was a bit harsh, but I did say no to what was asked of me. My point was that this person had no right to ask more of me and especially had no right to get mad when I said no.




Dude, whataya doin'?

I don't want to be a bad friend, but I feel I am. I'm conflicted over my feelings and actions.
I have this voice inside me that always tells me I should try and take care of people who are less fortunate than me. And somehow they always find me.
As soon as I do something for someone, it seems that they demand more of me.
Like, "Hey man, you're not doing enough for me."
What the fuck? Since when do beggars get to be divas?
I was so confused over issues like this that I got a book called "Boundaries."
Now I assert my boundaries when I feel invaded and it pisses people off.
That's not fair.
I get to decide how much I'm willing to give of myself/my time/my money to you.
If you feel it's inadequate, then walk out the fucking door and don't come back.
Now I feel as if my "good deeds" are scratched out because I no longer want to do them. I want to take them back.
Or maybe as I was saying to someone the other day, good deeds are really good when you don't really want to do them. If you get nothing out of the deed, not even a sense of satisfaction that you've done a good deed, then it really was self-less. Can this be correct?

I'm so pissed right now that I know I'm doing a good deed.
But I also feel like shit that I blew up at the deed receiver today and said numerous things that probably hurt feelings.
I'm just not going to do anything nice anymore. I've filled my quota, I think, already.

I can't win...

and we BOTH know that you did fart in my car.



"Gweny" Jenn Day

Sometimes, just sometimes... the world does NOT revolve around you. Sometimes it revolves around me.
Today is going to be one of those times.
At least, it will be as far as I'm concerned.
I'm feeling very selfish and I'm gonna go with it.
I'm tired of giving all my time and energy looking after everyone else.
If I'm busy taking care of you, I can't take care of myself.
Sometimes I want to be taken care of.
I have dreams and goals and such of my own.
So basically... fuck you.
Don't take it personally.

But please, have a nice day.